Calling All Angels
by flashpenguin
Summary: Jason Gideon has come out of his self imposed exile to attend Em's funeral and pay his last respects. Sixth in the "Bluer Than Blue Series". Inspired by the Jane Siberry song.


_My first Jason Gideon story. Gone without so much as a 'fare thee well' he has come back to pay his last respects to Emily. But no matter how much time has passed, some ghosts still haunt and the regrets keep piling on. Sixth in the "Bluer Than Blue Series" and follows "Vole", "Tonight I Wanna Cry", "Chasing The Moon", "I Miss My Friend", and "Sand and Water"._

_Song Prompt: "Calling All Angels" by Jane Siberry_

_Don't ask, I don't own Criminal Minds._

**Calling All Angels**

He was the lone figure standing in the corner hidden behind the tall columns. He shouldn't even be here. There was no reason for his presence, but as soon as he heard the news, he had no choice but to pay his last respects. Perhaps that's why instead of sitting with the people who used to be his family, he was standing alone and watching the funeral of a woman he wished he had gotten to know better.

He stood and listened as the words of Hotch filled his ears. He almost envied him for being able to get to know her, but he had no one to blame but himself. He had run away because he had run out of sanity and patience. All he ever wanted to do was catch the bad guy and make the world a better place. He wasn't unrealistic enough to think that it could be done over night but after fifteen years, he would have thought he had made a bit of a dent.

He had heard about Hotch's troubles and the murder of Haley. He had been so tempted to reach out and contact his old friend, but he wasn't sure if that would be wise. Hotch had suffered a devastating blow and nearly lost his life and his son, and was trying to get back on his feet. He didn't need to hear from him. They both had moved on, though he was sure Aaron would have retired.

But there was evil in the world. He should know since it had touched him in more ways than he cared to remember and had taken away the people he cared for, too. He shouldn't have cared, but that was his biggest character flaw of all because he wanted a solid piece of hope to hold on to. That was why he had held on to his pictures and pushed away his flesh and blood.

Pictures were grateful and held no contempt. Pictures showed the happier side of life - rarely did you ever see the frowns and the heartbreak. Pictures never died and went away. And he held on to that with everything he had. Even when he had nothing else to hold on to, he had his family.

He never understood what had made him walk away without so much as a look backwards. He had been thru worse in his life and career. Maybe it was Sarah's brutal murder that had pushed him over the edge. He had loved her more than anything in the world. She was the one bright spot in his sorry existence and the one pillar of strength to help get him through the worst cases ever to cross his desk.

But he had let her down. He had not protected her when she needed him most. And in the process of grieving, he had lost Rebecca, too. Though he had never met her, he had a unique bond - or he would have liked to have thought he did. But that wasn't enough to save her. And like so many times before in the past, he had let her down. And he had let down the team. Unable to face them and deal with their pity, he had walked away. It was easier that way. Leave a letter to Spencer, and then leave.

David Rossi was speaking now. If anyone would have come back when there was a vacancy, he would have bet money on Dave. Totally by the book, determined, and more hard-charging than the law allowed - Dave was the epitome of a world class FBI Profiler. Dave was one of the founding fathers of the BAU and if anyone should be sitting where Erin Strauss was, it would be the knobby kneed kid from Commack. But Dave never looked for accolades and when the pressure was too much and two marriages had dissolved, he had taken the moment to walk away. And he had hated him for it.

_Hypocrite!_ He shouted silently to himself. _You did the same thing; at least Dave had the decency to put his paperwork in and tell everyone 'good-bye'. At least he didn't book in the middle of the night._

The pressure was getting to be too much. He could feel the walls closing in. This had been a bad idea. He needed to leave. But he couldn't. Something kept drawing him back…memories.

He had not been impressed with Emily Prentiss the first time he had seen her. He had been even less impressed after he met her. Over eager and willing to please, she had sir'd him until he thought he would lose his lunch. After the fiasco with Elle, he had not been eager to bring another woman into the team. They were restless and overly emotional. They thought with their hearts and not with their heads. When standing toe to toe with an insane UNSUB with nothing to lose, having judgment clouded by emotion was not practical - hell it could get a man killed. Preferably a good man…an agent…or six…

Okay, so she cracked the Arabic code and she knew the ins and outs of the Koran better than the team. So she had the advantage of living overseas and being raised by politicians. That didn't make her a better agent in his book - just a pampered brat who thought they could be a profiler. But she helped break the case and then she turned around and kicked him in chess. She was good.

She had started to worm her way in to his good side. She was smart and funny and she could read people. Her astute observations into the minds of criminals impressed him more than he had ever admitted. Her ability to compartmentalize her emotions reminded him of when he was younger and thought nothing could ever get to him.

He had learned how to distance himself from his job. But then - over time and increased brutality of crimes - he started to bring it home. He saw the job destroy the strongest of marriages and relationships - hell, he had seen it take its toll on Hotch - and everyone eventually became a statistic. One way or the other. No one ever walked away from this job unaffected. Not him. Not Hotch. Not Emily Prentiss.

He paused in his thoughts as Derek took the podium. The bull headed kid he had known had matured into a respectable and decorated agent. And now the agent stood in front of friends and family of Emily and spoke of how she had made a difference in his life. All he could do was nod in agreement.

Though he had had his doubts about Emily, over time, she had proven herself to be an agent worthy enough to be called a profiler. She was nothing like Elle. She had morals and standards. She may have been raised by nannies, but she wasn't bitter. She had lived all over the world and had a grasp on reality. She may have gone to the best of schools, but she was the one who had to earn the grades. And when she had been brought in as a mole for Strauss, she decided which side her loyalties lay - the team. He wished sometimes he had stayed and gotten to know her a little better.

Spencer was speaking so he stood and listened. It had been the rarest of moments when he could have a conversation with the young genius he had considered his son. He had never heard him speak so precise and eloquently - it was as if the boy he knew had become the man standing in front of him…the man he no longer knew. Hell, who was he kidding? He didn't know any of them any more; he didn't know himself anymore.

His life had fallen apart and now he was only a shell of the great Jason Gideon. His biggest mistake was not leaving when he had the chance. And his greatest regret was that he had to leave a note in the middle of the night as he slinked off into the shadows like some kind of thief. He would always be labeled as a coward.

JJ and Garcia had spoken their eulogies. It was comforting to know that Emily had finally found her family and had not died alone. At least she had gotten lucky in the end. Some people, including him, never did. They never would.

There was one last speaker, but he didn't know her, so he tuned her out. Some things never changed.

The service was concluding. A prayer in Latin for Emily's soul and then a song that would forever remind him of her and haunt his dreams for the rest of his life…like every other ghost.

Now the crowd was moving out in a single file. How was it possible that Elizabeth Prentiss and Erin Strauss had aged so much since he last saw them? It had to be the grief…the one thing he was an expert at.

He would have to hide and wait for the coast to be clear. No one would be hanging around since there was the quick graveside service as they consecrated Emily's body to the earth from which she came. Once the church was empty, he would slip away quietly back into anonymity once more.

Just him and his ghosts, regrets, and loss.

But in the end he would still be alone.


End file.
